I’m not sure about other moms out there, but have you ever experienced having an overwhelming sense of anxiety or periods of light-headed confusion so severe that you sometimes can’t get your brain to focus at all? I’ve noticed for the past three weeks that my brain has been functioning that way, and it frightens me. That’s what you get when you’re sleep deprived. The road is starting to get dangerous with me behind the wheels. I’m just glad I have my in-laws still staying over this past week before they return to Sandakan. Otherwise, I’m not sure what I’ll do without enough rest.

Now I am in my kampung Tuaran Labuaya. I have a cousin. His name is also Eric Ribuan and Eric noel is my name. He is 11 years old. I have my PS2 in the kampung. He doesn’t have a video game. His daddy doesn’t buy for him.

Taking care of a toddler and a newborn baby simultaneously is a nerve-wreaking experience to say the least. I’m even developing insomnia because of anxiety attacks I’m facing. Anxiety because I wanted to be alert at every sound Ezra makes. Every time I close my eyes, my brain goes into panic mode. I could feel my brain screaming, “Ezra’s gonna scream at any moment! Don’t sleep, don’t sleep!” All this is not helping my already sleep-deprived body.

Times such as these are what made me wish I was a working mother instead of stay at home mom. Being out of control is one of the things I fear the most for as long as I can remember. Being a mother means accepting that things are often, if not mostly, out of our control. Especially when our children gets sick. It’s heart-wrenching. Even if you install an air purifier to obtain fresh air by ecoquest international and prevent allergies, there are bound to be other things that they’ll fall sick over. And I can’t handle that reality, most of the time.

But I do my best. I sacrifice. That’s what mothers are suppose to do isn’t it?

Yes, Ezra Yoel Dony has safely been born on May 22, 1.52am at Sabah Medical Center, Damai. I initially find it hard to believe I’ve given birth to him 3 weeks off his due date, and he’s just so small, weighing in at only 2.3 kg. The pediatrician said that he is as normal as a healthy full-term baby, though, so I’m very happy with him.

What I’m not very happy with is the condition of my home. Everything’s still in a mess, the baby cot’s not prepared, Ezra’s clothes are barely washed, stuff are not sterilized… I blame myself for taking for granted Ezra would be born on or later than his due date on June 16, and thinking that I still have lots of time to clean up and prepare. I’m glad my husband’s around to help with the clean up together.

OK, off I go to tend to my little one!

There are only a few sites I visit that I would absolutely recommend to every expectant moms and the already-mommies. I found these web sites when I was expecting Eric, and have been using the information in these sites ever since.

Although nothing could prepare you emotionally and physically for the actual thing, doing some reading might help you to mentally prepare and expect fewer surprises. Also, take all the advice and knowledge you gained with a grain of salt. Always, if in doubt, consult your doctor. He or she will be more than happy to help you.

BabyCenter.com and its sister site, ParentsCenter.com. I have been a faithful subscriber of its newsletter since 2001. I wish I had used the info in this site earlier. The site is much more understanding when it comes to breastfeeding and doesn’t leave you feeling guilty if you are one of those people who can’t breastfeed successfully, like me. I love the personalized info and weekly e-mails on the progress of your pregnancy as well as some parenting tips.

ParentsPlace.com. An iVillage sub-site, what I liked most about this site is the Q&A column on a wide variety of subjects related to pregnancy and parenthood. This site is very much pro-breastfeeding, though, so much so that it could leave those who couldn’t breastfeed well (like myself) feeling depressed.

Oxygen.com. A wonderful site for women. The chat rooms and forums are especially useful, so do go ahead and find a support group for pregnancy or for advice on baby care and breastfeeding. The chat groups are very supportive groups and helped me go through my first weeks of postpartum while I was home-bound.